Inspiration is found in the most unexpected places.
It was rainy Tuesday afternoon. I open my closet to find
my rain coat. On the right side of rain coat, I find my old hoodie; my childhood
memory. I remember something. Rushing to my desk, I pick up my pen.
The nervous man
saw his trembling hand reached on the handle of the door. He’d come close to
delude himself that the handle got to be lowered. Looking down on it, he just fiddled
with it, but after showing short glance with decided mind, he could now watch
the past memories which had been forgotten for ten years. In a very short time
that he fully opened the door, he brought the cherishable memories from his deepest
mind.
He first just
put his head inside the door. He slowly inhaled and sniffed to smell the
friendly atmosphere inside the room. Everything
was placed just same as when he left the room 10 years ago. The cassette
player, the dressing table, the ceramics he usually put his robot inside were
all there. This made the man in the black suit to overlap his memories that he
longed for numerous times and cry for his past foolish choice. Now, the only
way he could do for his parents is just putting the flower on the floor. The pure
white color of it seemed to be the sole error in the entire room. Staring the
spotlessly white flower in semiconscious state, he found himself being able to
hear some noise - very familiar song but hard to remember what it is. He just
let his ears fully open to the songs and found out the song is the Waltz that
his parents loved to dance with. He once abhorred his parents to dance with the
old-fashioned songs in his teenager time – but now for him, the only left wish
is ironically to dance with his parents, holding their hands, smiling with
them, and feeling their movements among the music. Albeit he regretted and hold
back his sobs, his dead parents could never offer the man the last opportunity
to dance with them. To escape from the abysmal desperation, he thought he
should stop the music which didn’t know where it comes. The man lifted his head
to find out where the music starts. Then his eyes suddenly caught one awkward scene;
his mother’s favorite hoodie was dancing. He couldn’t believe the situation he
faced but just accepted by assuming that his extreme sadness made him to fall
in the illusion. He gazed at the hoodie for a few minutes.
As time
passes, he could slowly, slowly realize there’s a pattern in the movement of
the hoodie – it was Waltz! As the hoodie moves little bit, the scent of his
mother faintly dispersed through the air in the room. That scent made him to
stand up unconsciously and hold the arms of the hoodie. He just got to follow
the movement of the hoodie. Dancing Waltz with it, for a short moment, he
thought maybe his mother is now in this hoodie and comes to console and forgive
him for his faults and hug him. He just laughed out, since he thought it was
totally absurd idea. The man just let his body to follow the movement of It and
feel the music itself, but failed to catch the scene that the sunshine through
the windows shines back of his beautiful mother dancing with him.
I look out the window. The rain has stopped. I put
down my pen.
"Inspiration is found in the most unexpected places."
답글삭제I loved the first sentence of your story, and I think this sentence worked out to be a guideline to fully understand your meta fiction. It was very good to have a strong beginning, and in the same time keeping the readers on track so they don't get confused about the plot.
I guess this is a story of a writer who was inspired by his old hoodie in the closet. The "inner story" about the man dancing with his mom's hoodie was very entertaining. The repeated white colors and the Waltz created a strange, relieving mood.It kind of had the feeling of a Japanese short story, perhaps because the atmosphere was calm and pure and warm.
Yet, I think the two stories do not link together, and this makes your meta fiction a little bit weak. The lack of details in the outer story cause the two stories (outer and inner) to become weakly intertwined. If the writer had a better reason to write about a lonely man remembering his mom -- as if his parents passed away a year ago and they bought him the hoodie for a birthday present or whatever -- it would have become a stronger story and more reasonable.
While this does make sense and does feature some poetic and lovely writing, and does loosely fulfill the rudimentary rules of metafiction, the big rule of the assignment is not followed in terms of using the chainwriting material. That aside, the outer narrator could have been featured and utilized more, and could have paused midway through to look out the window. I'd like to get to know him or her more, and know why they are writing this mysterious poetic story. Compared to your peers, you actually do write something here that has potential and some literary merit. But make sure to follow instructions and also avoid some of the pitfalls I outlined. I agree with Leo above, as the narrator needs more development. I do agree with him about the lovely first sentence, though, and you have some talent as a poetic writer.
답글삭제